夫妻之道 2013.5.5 恩典圣经华语教会 A note on the difficulty and reluctance to do this sermon. Danger on loving to teach (showing off or trying too hard to make other see things the way you do), misleading messages. Thank you note to all who have helped: Samuel, Liu, Fujie, prayers from Friday night bible group.

夫妻之道 婚姻是什么？ 幸福夫妻之秘诀？ 怎样成为幸福夫妻？ Focus on sharing what I think I know and asking provocative questions to make you think about marriage and what it really means and what you have always thought is the secret to happy couples, rather than trying to persuade you into accepting what I know. The questions may make you uncomfortable, but they are important to think about if you want to be or remain happily married.

婚姻是什么？ 和爱(情)有关吗？哪一种会美满长久？ 四种对婚姻的理解: 友谊 (浪漫理想; 灵魂伴侣) 契约/合同 (民法) 盟约/誓约 (旧约) 圣礼 (天主教) There are really two types here: marriage belonging to this world; marriage belonging to God.

(1)友谊是婚姻? 婚姻是友谊? 美满长久? Tons of Chinese stories about this, tons of Hollywood movies and novels on this. Widely appealing. Most commonly understood and accepted for non-believers. Love is or was present. More likely to trust, as they know more about each other. Challenges: newer more interesting friends; reality check (house chores; jobs; making a living); shifting desires and difficulty to maintain friendship. Love based friendship shifts as friendship shifts. Marriage based on friendship changes as friendship changes. You all know someone who had affairs, broke up with their childhood lovers, or college/high school sweethearts.

Legal contract marriage based on rights and responsibilities Legal contract marriage based on rights and responsibilities. Contract means a trade, a deal, an exchange. Most commonly heard when people talk about division of labor between husband and wife, talking about house chores, talking about career choices, talking about division of property, talking about pleasures and desires. Most commonly reflected in prenuptial agreement and post-divorce division of property and rights. Love is not always present. Convenience, desires other than love. Often necessity, because other choices are unthinkable or more undesirable. Not sustainable because contracts can be broken. They happen all the time. Also because contracts are often based on desires and needs, human desires and needs change. Also because people’s ability to fulfill contracts changes (some get sick, some lose job, some move).

世上第一起婚姻 2:18 耶 和 华 神 说 ， 那 人 独 居 不 好 ， 我 要 为 他 造 一 个 配 偶 帮 助 他 。 2:22 耶 和 华 神 就 用 那 人 身 上 所 取 的 肋 骨 ， 造 成 一 个 女 人 ， 领 她 到 那 人 跟 前 。 2:23 那 人 说 ， 这 是 我 骨 中 的 骨 ， 肉 中 的 肉 ， 可 以 称 她 为 女 人 ， 因 为 她 是 从 男 人 身 上 取 出 来 的 。 2:24 因 此 ， 人 要 离 开 父 母 与 妻 子 连 合 ， 二 人 成 为 一 体 。

盟约/誓约 (旧约); 圣礼 (天主教) To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. 而今而后，不论境遇好坏，家境贫富，生病与否，誓言相亲相爱(惜 )，至死不分离。 What we see in movies and girls dream about all the time. A covenant makes up for all the loopholes in friendship-based and contract-based marriages. But is it sustainable? Not all the time, not all couples.

1999 Barna Research Group Report on Religion and Divorce Rates Poll 3,854 adults from 48 contiguous states (1999-DEC-21) (margin of error is ±2%). Religion % have been divorced Jews 30% Born-again Christians 27% Other Christians 24% Atheists, Agnostics 21% Non-denominational ** 34% Baptists 29% Mainline Protestants 25% Mormons 24% Catholics 21% Lutherans 21%

2008 Barna Research Group Report (Base: 3792 adults) Group %Divorced # Interviewee All adults 33% 3792 Evangelical Christians 26% 339 Non-evangelical born again Christians 33% 1373 Notional Christians 33% 1488 Associated with non Christian faith 38% 197 Atheist or agnostic 30% 269 All born again Christians 32% 1712 All non born again Christians 33% 2080 Protestant 34% 1997 Catholic 28% 875 Selection effect: an even higher proportion of born again Christians (84%) tie the knot. That eclipses the proportion among people aligned with non-Christian faiths (74%) and among atheists and agnostics (65%). Question: why divorce among Christians? It is hard to maintain happy marriage EVEN among Christians. What’s Jesus response?

马 太 福 音 Matthew 19:3 有 法 利 赛 人 来 试 探 耶 稣 说 ， 人 无 论 什 么 缘 故 ， 都 可 以 休 妻 吗 ？ 19:4 耶 稣 回 答 说 ， 那 起 初 造 人 的 ， 是 造 男 造 女 ，19:5 并 且 说 ， 因 此 ， 人 要 离 开 父 母 ， 与 妻 子 连 合 ， 二 人 成 为 一 体 。 这 经 你 们 没 有 念 过 吗 ？ 19:6 既 然 如 此 ， 夫 妻 不 再 是 两 个 人 ， 乃 是 一 体 的 了 。 所 以 神 配 合 的 ， 人 不 可 分 开 。 19:7 法 利 赛 人 说 ， 这 样 ， 摩 西 为 什 么 吩 咐 给 妻 子 休 书 ， 就 可 以 休 她 呢 ？19:8 耶 稣 说 ， 摩 西 因 为 你 们 的 心 硬 ， 所 以 许 你 们 休 妻 。 但 起 初 并 不 是 这 样 。 Two questions: What is the difference between legal contract marriage and biblical marriage? What sustains a happy marriage?

合法契约婚姻与符合圣经原则婚姻的比较 Fred Lowry, January 12-14, 2005 "FamilyLife Today" broadcast on "Covenant Marriage“

5:24 - 教会怎样顺服基督，妻子也要怎样凡事顺服丈夫。 幸福夫妻之秘诀？ 5:24 - 教会怎样顺服基督，妻子也要怎样凡事顺服丈夫。 5:25 - 你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己。 Biblical teaching.

妻子的顺服 20:2 亚 伯 拉 罕 称 他 的 妻 撒 拉 为 妹 子 ， 基 拉 耳 王 亚 比 米 勒 差 人 把 撒 拉 取 了 去 。 20:11 亚 伯 拉 罕 说 ， 我 以 为 这 地 方 的 人 总 不 惧 怕 神 ， 必 为 我 妻 子 的 缘 故 杀 我 。 妻子顺服丈夫不是因为丈夫配得, 而是因为合神的心意。 男女不同的需要: 男人是来自火星，女人来自金星; Women Need Love, Men Need Respect (Susan Biali) 彼 得 前 书: 3:1 你 们 作 妻 子 的 ， 要 顺 服 自 己 的 丈 夫 。 这 样 ， 若 有 不 信 从 道 理 的 丈 夫 ， 他 们 虽 然 不 听 道 ， 也 可 以 因 妻 子 的 品 行 被 感 化 过 来 。3:2 这 正 是 因 看 见 你 们 有 贞 洁 的 品 行 ， 和 敬 畏 的 心 。 5:22  你 们 作 妻 子 的 ， 当 顺 服 自 己 的 丈 夫 ， 如 同 顺 服 主 。 5:23  因 为 丈 夫 是 妻 子 的 头 ， 如 同 基 督 是 教 会 的 头 。 他 又 是 教 会 全 体 的 救 主 。 Sarah’s submission to Abraham even when his request is wrong and unreasonable. Why such submission works? 3 points: undeserving, but God’s teaching and creation. 2:18  耶 和 华 神 说 ， 那 人 独 居 不 好 ， 我 要 为 他 造 一 个 配 偶 帮 助 他 。 Man and woman are different. Power of submission.

丈夫舍己的爱 3:7 你 们 作 丈 夫 的 ， 也 要 按 情 理 和 妻 子 同 住 。 因 她 比 你 软 弱 3:7  你 们 作 丈 夫 的 ， 也 要 按 情 理 和 妻 子 同 住 。 因 她 比 你 软 弱 5:28  丈 夫 也 当 照 样 爱 妻 子 ， 如 同 爱 自 己 的 身 子 。 爱 妻 子 ， 便 是 爱 自 己 了 。 Christ-oriented, Christ-like, glorify Christ. 5:33  然 而 你 们 各 人 都 当 爱 妻 子 ， 如 同 爱 自 己 一 样 。 妻 子 也 当 敬 重 她 的 丈 夫 。 5:29  从 来 没 有 人 恨 恶 自 己 的 身 子 ， 总 是 保 养 顾 惜 ， 正 像 基 督 待 教 会 一 样 。 A husband’s sacrificial love: what does it actually look like? Lionel Windsor | 6 September, 2012 http://matthiasmedia.com/briefing/2012/09/a-husbands-sacrificial-love-what-does-it-actually-look-like/ Because marriage is a one flesh relationship, the immediate goal of a husband’s love is to nurture a deep and tender union with his spouse. His responsibility is to love his wife in a way which seeks to maintain and deepen the profound unity of the marriage relationship itself, a unity which is for the mutual good of both of them. Because marriage is a Christ-oriented relationship, the ultimate goal of a husband’s love is directed toward God’s great plan for the world, to unite all things in Christ. What should matter to him is whether the marriage is heading towards greater godliness, greater concern for God’s desires, greater love for one another, greater concern to see Jesus Christ known and honoured in the world, and greater service of others. Because a husband’s love is Christ-like, it will involve sacrifice. However, this ‘sacrifice’ is not simply a matter of giving in to his wife’s whims at the expense of his own whims. Just as Christ’s sacrifice was intended to achieve a purpose—our cleansing from sin and unity with God the Father—the husband’s sacrifice is also intended to achieve the purpose of the marriage. He sacrifices himself and his desires for the sake of maintaining and deepening his unity with his wife, and for the sake of making his marriage a marriage which glorifies Christ. So here’s some of the things it means in my own situation. We’ve just returned from a 3-year stint in the UK, where I was a theological student. Although we’ve been well provided for through generous donors, being in this situation has meant that I haven’t been able to ‘provide’ for my wife the same level of material security and stability that some of our peers enjoy. But that’s OK; our marriage is meant to be Christ-oriented, and we made the decision for me to do this study in order to serve Christ together. At the same time, my constant temptation is to be too absorbed with study. I really like reading and writing and preaching; and if I’m not careful, my wife gets the second-best of my energy and attention. I need to be pro-active in cherishing my wife; not just reactive. That sometimes means I need to say ‘no’ to more opportunities to read and write and preach. How do I actually go at loving my wife? Sometimes I fail; sometimes, by God’s grace, I succeed. This is a good reminder for all of us, as we have to balance work and attention to wife. I am sure more than once my wife felt that I placed work before her and I feel sorry for that. Work and marriage are both important if we are Christ-oriented.

怎样成为幸福夫妻？ Pepper Schwartz, Chrisanna Northrup and James Witte: "The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship“ based on information collected from nearly 100,000 people. Critical factors for Happy Couples: “the affection [happy couples] give each other in little ways: hugging, kissing, [saying] 'I love you' every day...holding hands, public displays of affection.” "Everybody said communication because in fact if you're not talking well, if you can't talk through things together, everything goes downhill,“ "things start to get habituated" and "people stop working at their relationship.“ “that would be the time to re-up and start to remember all those things you used to do when you were courting” Show affection; communication; rejuvenate . These are just means, driven by more important factors than means and tools. Means are neutral and may or may not work. So what are those more important fundamental factors?

怎样成为幸福夫妻？ 13:4 爱 是 恒 久 忍 耐 ， 又 有 恩 慈 。 爱 是 不 嫉 妒 。 爱 是 不 自 夸 。 不 张 狂 。 13:5 不 作 害 羞 的 事 。 不 求 自 己 的 益 处 。 不 轻 易 发 怒 。 不 计 算 人 的 恶 。 13:6 不 喜 欢 不 义 。 只 喜 欢 真 理 。 13:7 凡 事 包 容 。 凡 事 相 信 。 凡 事 盼 望 。 凡 事 忍 耐 。 13:8 爱 是 永 不 止 息 。 先 知 讲 道 之 能 ， 终 必 归 于 无 有 。 说 方 言 之 能 ， 终 必 停 止 ， 知 识 也 终 必 归 于 无 有 。 Love works. If you can do this, your marriage will work. But this can not be achieved based on just friendship or contract. It may not even work for some Christians who get married in the church. Because doing all this is hard. Knowledge is pale.

怎样成为幸福夫妻？ 幸福的婚姻大抵相似，不幸的婚姻却各有不同 (托尔斯泰) 5:24 - 教会怎样顺服基督，妻子也要怎样凡事顺服丈夫。 5:25 - 你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己。 5:20 凡 事 要 奉 我 们 主 耶 稣 基 督 的 名 ， 常 常 感 谢 父 神 。5:21 又 当 存 敬 畏 基 督 的 心 ， 彼 此 顺 服 。 箴 言 : 3:5 你 要 专 心 仰 赖 耶 和 华 ， 不 可 倚 靠 自 己 的 聪 明 。3:6 在 你 一 切 所 行 的 事 上 ， 都 要 认 定 他 ， 他 必 指 引 你 的 路 。 Happy marriages are similar and follow the same principles. Wife’s submission and husband’s sacrificial love. Most importantly these can not be achieved by relying on yourselves. Gratefulness, reverend of God, and you will submit to each other. 3:6  于 是 女 人 见 那 棵 树 的 果 子 好 作 食 物 ， 也 悦 人 的 眼 目 ， 且 是 可 喜 爱 的 ， 能 使 人 有 智 慧 ， 就 摘 下 果 子 来 吃 了 。 又 给 她 丈 夫 ， 她 丈 夫 也 吃 了 。 http://matthiasmedia.com/briefing/2012/09/a-husbands-sacrificial-love-what-does-it-actually-look-like/ God’s great plan for the world is a cosmic plan; a plan which includes our own adoption as God’s children and the forgiveness of our sins; a plan which culminates in the whole world being united in Christ (Eph 1:10). This theme continues all the way up to chapter 5, where Paul  reminds his readers of this great truth, and insists that the husband-wife relationship is best understood in light of the great plan God has for the world in his Son Jesus Christ. 1:10  要 照 所 安 排 的 ， 在 日 期 满 足 的 时 候 ， 使 天 上 地 上 一 切 所 有 的 ， 都 在 基 督 里 面 同 归 于 一 。