Parenting an Only Child 面对独生子女该如何为人父母 How Understanding Neurobiology Can Help You Raise A Child Who Can Thrive! 神经生物学如何帮助您抚养儿童茁壮成长！ Alan Mease, MD May 12, 2013 Guangzhou, China

Alan Mease, MD 米思，医学博士 和睦家广州诊所 Over 30 year experience as pediatrician & 13 years experience in China 超过30年的儿科医师经验，在中国行医13年 Five grown children partially raised abroad 养育了5个孩子，其中几人成长于海外 Now practicing Developmental/Behavioral Pediatrics in Guangzhou 现在在广州从事儿童发育及行为科工作

Parenting an Only Child 面对独生子女该如何为人父母 The principles of parenting are the same whether you have one child or ten!!! 无论你只有1个孩子还是有10个孩子，育儿的原则是不变 的！！！ In this talk I will review the principles of parenting based on recent research on parent-child relationship. 在本讲座中，我将以最新亲子关系研究结果为基础，回顾育 儿的原则。 I will integrate these principles with new discoveries in brain science. 我将结合最新的大脑科学研究发现来整合这些原则。

Parenting an Only Child 面对独生子女该如何为人父母 I will examine the science of how we can connect with each other and our children 我将会探究这一科学：我们彼此之间以及与孩子之间是如何联系的 The goals of this talk is to deepen our understanding of ourselves as parents, our children and our relationships. 本次讲座旨在加深我们对于为人父母、孩子以及亲子关系的理解 I will end the talk with some practical parenting tips for all parents regardless of how many children you have! 讲座结尾时，我会将一些育儿小帖士告诉您，无论您是几个孩子的 父母，都将非常实用！

THE SINGLE CHILD FAMILY 独生子女家庭 The single child has been studied as an early adult and found to be less trusting, less trustworthy, more risk-averse, less competitive and more pessimistic. 研究发现成年早期的独生子女缺乏信任，不值得信赖， 不愿承担风险，竞争意识较弱，更为悲观。

THE SINGLE CHILD FAMILY 独生子女家庭 I will discuss strategies to minimize these effects. 将会讨论最大限度地减少这些影响的策略。 These include dealing with grandparents 这包括处理与祖父母的问题 The importance of relationships in your child’s brain/mind development 人际关系对于您孩子的大脑/心智发育的重要性 Developing the functions of the prefrontal cortex 促进前额皮质的功能发展 The importance of PLAY! 玩耍的重要性！

THE SINGLE CHILD FAMILY 独生子女家庭 in the Weibo Age

Recommended Reading for Parents available in Chinese 推荐这几本中文译本给家长 The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel, MD 《全脑教养法》 丹尼尔·西格尔博士 Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel, MD《由内而外的教养》丹尼尔·西格尔博士 Mindsight/The Seventh Sense by Daniel Siegel, MD 《第七感》丹尼尔·西格尔博士

Daniel Siegel, MD, Child Psychiatrist 丹尼尔·西格尔，医学博士，儿童精神病学家 Author, Originator of Interpersonal Neurobiology 作家，人际关系神经生物学创始人

Why Should We Know about the Brain as Parents? 父母为何要了解大脑？ Knowing about the brain can allow us to move from SELF-JUDGEMENT to SELF- ACCEPTANCE as parents. 作为父母，了解大脑可以使我们从自我判断变 为自我接纳。

Interpersonal Neurobiology 人际关系神经生物学三角 Relationships 关系 The Brain 大脑 The Mind 精神

the embodied brain are really part of one larger system. Relationships关系 (sharing分享) Triangle of Interpersonal Neurobiology (3 aspects of Energy & information flow) 人际关系神经生物学三角 (三种能量和信息的流动) Relationships & the embodied brain are really part of one larger system. 关系和具象的大脑是一个更大系统的一部分 BRAIN大脑 (mechanism 机械装置) Mind精神 (regulation 调节)

Relationships关系 The regulating prefrontal cortex remains plastic throughout life and is able to develop beyond childhood. 调节前额皮质终生保持可塑性，儿童期之后依然可以发育。 Interpersonal relationships can provide attachment experiences that allow integrative neurophysiological change to occur throughout life 人际关系可以提供依恋经历，这为一体化的神经生理学变 化在一生中的发生提供了可能。

The Parent-Child Relationship 亲子关系 Complex 复杂 Triggers unresolved issues in the parent 触发父母的情绪问题 This causes loss of upstair brain control 这会导致失去对上层大脑的控制 Resulting in activation of the downstairs brain 导致激活下层大脑

The Brain 大脑 所有这些神经元的长度之和超过200万英里。 Over 100 billion Neurons and trillions of supportive Glia cells.超过一千亿个神经元和数以万亿计的神经胶质细胞 。 Collectively these Neurons are over 2 million miles long. 所有这些神经元的长度之和超过200万英里。 Each Neuron has an average of 10,000 connections平均每个神经元有1万个连接。

Neurons and glia are organized in clusters (nuclei, circuits, regions and hemispheres) classified by anatomic placement in lower (1), central(2) and upper areas (3) of the brain. 神经细胞和神经胶质组织成簇（核、回路、额区和半球）在解剖构造上分为大脑下部（1）、大脑中心（2）和大脑上部（3）三个区域。

Networks 神经网络

Development of MEMORY 记忆力的发展 Memory works by changes in the connection between neurons. 记忆力通过神经细胞间联系的改变来工作。

Development of MEMORY 记忆力的发展 Memory and brain development are overlapping processes: experience shapes the developing structure of the brain 记忆力和大脑的发展是相互重叠的过程：经历塑造发育中的大脑结构 Experience is biology: How we treat our children changes who they are and how they will develop!!! 经历是一种生物现象：我们如何对待孩子将决定他们是谁，以及他们的未 来如何发展！！！

Forms of Memory 记忆力的形态 Implicit (Emotional) 内隐记忆（情绪化的 ） Present at or even before birth 出生时甚至出 生之前就已经存在 Conscious attention NOT required 不需要有 意识地注意 Amygdala controlled 受杏仁体（脑颞叶内的一 种结构）控制 No recollection 回忆不起来

Forms of Memory 记忆力的形态 Explicit 外显记忆 Factual: Hippocampus required; present at about 18 months 实际的：由海马回（脑颞叶内的一种负责记忆和空间定 位的结构）控制；大约18个月时出现 Autobiographical: Prefrontal cortex required; onset after 2 years; allows recollection 自传体记忆（个人生活事件的记忆）： 前额皮质控制 ，2岁之后开始发展；可回忆起

UPSTAIRS BRAIN 上层大脑 Cerebral cortex and its various parts particularly the ones directly behind your forehead including what is called the middle prefrontal cortex 大脑皮层和它的各种组成部分，尤其是在你额头正后方的被称作中部 前叶皮层的部分 More evolved 更为进化 Like a light filled second story study or library full of windows to allow you to see things more clearly 就像位于二楼的明亮书房或者一间满是玻璃窗的图书馆，使你更清楚 地看到里面的东西

UPSTAIRS BRAIN FUNCTIONS 上层大脑的功能 Thinking 思考 Imagining 想象 Planning 规划 Highly sophisticated 极为复杂的 Higher-order and analytical thinking 高阶的思考和分析

Characteristics of Upstairs Brain Function 上层大脑功能的特点 Sound decision making and planning 合理决策的制定和计划 Control over emotions and body 控制情绪和机体 Self-understanding 自我理解 Empathy 移情（了解和分享对方的看法和感受，敏锐地体会对方的思想与情绪） Morality 道德

The Downstairs Brain 下层大脑 The brain from bottom to top 大脑自下到上 Imagine your brain is a house with both a downstairs and an upstairs 想像你的大脑是一座房子，里面有上层楼梯（上层大脑）和下层楼梯（下层大脑） The downstairs includes the brain stem and limbic regions located in lower parts of the brain from the top of your neck to about the bridge of your nose 下层大脑包括了脑干和位于大脑下部的边缘区域（大约是你的颈部上端到鼻梁的 位置） More primitive 更为简单原始

The Downstairs Brain Functions 下层大脑的功能 Basic functions like breathing and blinking; reactions and impulses (like fight and flight) and strong emotions (like anger and fear) 基础功能如呼吸和眨眼；反应和冲动（如迎战和逃跑），强烈的情绪 （如愤怒和恐惧） Your ANGER- along with other strong emotions and bodily functions and instinct- springs from your DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN 你的愤怒——同其他强烈情绪、身体机能和本能一样——源于你的下层 大脑 It is like the first floor of a house where basic necessity get taken care of (kitchen, dining room, bathroom) 这就像房子的一层,在这里基本需求得到满足(厨房、餐厅、浴室)

Developmental Aspects 发育方面 Downstairs brain is well developed even at birth 下层大脑在出生之时就已发育良好 Upstairs isn’t fully mature until mid-twenties 上层大脑直至20多岁才完全成熟 Remains under massive construction for first few years 开始几年，仍在大规模发育 During teen years undergoes extensive remodeling which continues into adulthood 在青少年时期经历重大变化，直至成年

Developmental Aspects 发育方面 Children are not good at using higher and lower parts of the brain together because the higher brain is still developing 由于上层大脑仍在发育，儿童不能很好地将上层 大脑和下层大脑结合使用 Children are prone to getting trapped downstairs because the connecting stairway is blocked by an AMYGDALA that frequently fires up 由于上、下层大脑之间被一个频繁启动的杏仁体 所堵塞，儿童很容易被“困在”上层大脑。

Realistic Developmental Expectations 现实的发展预期 It is unrealistic to expect children to be rational, regulate their emotions, make good decisions, think before acting and be empathetic-all things that come from a developed upstairs brain 希望孩子们理性,调节自己的情绪,做出好的决策,三思而行,或是像成熟 的上层大脑那样感同身受，是不现实的 Children can demonstrate some of these qualities to varying degrees depending on their age 孩子们在不同的年龄阶段，表现出不同程度的特质。 We need to adjust our expectations 我们应该调整我们的期望值

Temper Tantrums: 2 Types 发脾气：两种类型 Upstairs tantrum occurs when a child decides to throw a fit 儿童运用上层大脑发脾气 Downstairs tantrum occurs when the child in not able to use the upstairs brain 当儿童无法运用上层大脑时， 运用下层大脑

Upstairs Tantrum 上层大脑发脾气 He makes a conscious choice to act out 他将一个有意识的决定付诸行动 To push buttons and terrorize you until he gets what he wants 他们要求、恐吓你，直到得到自己想要的东西 He could instantly stop the tantrum if he wanted to 一旦得到了他想要的东西，就会立即停止发脾气

Upstairs Tantrum 上层大脑发脾气 He is able to stop the tantrum 他有能力可自我停止发脾气 He may look like he is completely out of control but is using a strategy of manipulation to achieve a desired end 他貌似完全失去控制，实际上却通过了策略的运用来 达到期望

Response to Upstairs Brain Tantrum 如何应对上层大脑发脾气 One clear response: Never negotiate with a terrorist 明确的回应：绝不和恐吓者谈判 Firm boundaries and clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior 明确界定及讨论适当/不适当的行为 If you refuse to give in, regardless of the age of your child, you will stop seeing them on a regular basis 如果你拒绝让步，无论孩子的年纪有多大，他们的无理行为 将停止

Response to Downstairs Brain Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 Amygdala takes over and hijack his upstairs brain 杏仁核接管和拦截了他的上层大脑的工作 He is incapable of controlling his body or emotions 他无法控制他的身体或情绪 He simply cannot use his whole brain 他只是无法使用他全部的大脑 He has flipped his lid, totally lost his mind 他已经发狂，完全丧失心智

Response to Downstairs Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 Connect and redirect 沟通和改变方法 Connect with the child and help him calm down through loving touch and a soothing tone of voice 和孩子沟通，通过爱抚和平和的语调帮助他平 静下来

Response to Downstairs Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 You may have to hold him close and calmly talk him down as you remove him from the scene 或许你可以紧紧地拥抱他，通过交谈是他平静，彷佛 走出刚才的情景 No sense in talking about consequences or appropriate behavior 讨论事情的后果或什么才是适当的行为，没有意义。

Response to Downstairs Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 Help him shift his attention 帮助他转移注意力 Once the upstairs brain reenter the picture you can begin to respond to the issue using logic and reason 一旦重返上层大脑工作，你可以开始通过逻辑和原因分析事 情 Downstairs brain tantrums are not limited to toddlers but may occur in a child of any age or even an adult 下层大脑发脾气不仅仅局限于幼童，也会发生于儿童的其他 年龄阶段，甚至是成年人

Response to Downstairs Brain Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 Amygdala takes over and hijack his upstairs brain 杏仁核接管和拦截了他的上层大脑的工作 He is incapable of controlling his body or emotions 他无法控制他的身体或情绪

Response to Downstairs Brain Tantrum 如何应对下层大脑发脾气 He simply cannot use his whole brain 他只是无法使用他全部的大脑 He has flipped his lid, totally lost his mind 他已经发狂，完全丧失心智

Preventing Downstairs Tantrums 防止下层大脑发脾气 Avoid triggering the downstairs brain 避免引发下层大脑工作 You have choice when faced with bad behavior: 面对不良行为，你可以选择： Command and demand usually triggers the downstairs brain 命令和要求通常会引起下层大脑工作 Engage don’t enrage 参与而非激怒

Approaches to Discipline 规范纪律的方法 Imposition of parents will 迫使孩子接受 父母的意愿 Dropping the expectation completely 完全地放下期望

Approaches to Discipline 规范纪律的方法 Middle way called: Collaborative Problem Solving 折衷的方式：合作解决问题 Step 1: Empathy Step: Gather information from your child to achieve the clearest possible understanding of his perspective on the unsolved problem 第一步：移情：尽可能清楚地了解孩子对于问题的观点 Step 2: Define the Problem Step: Enter your perspective into consideration 第二步：定义问题：将你的观点加入讨论 Step 3: The Invitation Step: Brainstorming potential solutions, parent invites the child to solve the problem collaboratively 第三步：邀请：自由讨论可能的解决方法，家长邀请孩子合作解决问 题。

Some Children Are Inflexible with Frequent Tantrums: The Explosive Child” 一些孩子频繁地发脾气 像一颗“小小定时炸弹” Kids Do Well if They Can 如果能力允许，孩子可 以做好 Some children who are inflexible, have poor tolerance of frustration, difficulty solving problems are prone to have frequent tantrums. 一些固执的孩子，难以接受挫折。无法解决问题 时倾向于频繁发脾气

原因是这些孩子的上层大脑功能发育延迟了。 Some Children Are Inflexible with Frequent Tantrums: The Explosive Child” 一些孩子频繁地发脾气 像一颗“小小定时炸弹” This is not due to bad parenting 这不应归咎于父母的教育失误 These children have delays in the development of their up stair brain functions. 原因是这些孩子的上层大脑功能发育延迟了。

Some Children Are Inflexible with Frequent Tantrums: The Explosive Child” 一些孩子频繁地发脾气 像一颗“小小定时炸弹” They do not respond to rewards & punishment or natural consequences 他们对于奖惩或自然结果没有反应 Lack of motivation is not the problem 问题不在于动机缺乏

Some Children Are Inflexible with Frequent Tantrums: The Explosive Child” 一些孩子频繁地发脾气 像一颗“小小定时炸弹” The Middle Way of Discipline Works; this can be called Positive Discipline 折衷的规范纪律的方式，可被称作”正面管教“ This can help the child learn and strengthen Upstairs brain functions and minimize parental frustration. 这可以帮助孩子锻炼和加强上层大脑功能，减少父母的挫 折感。

What about discipline? 关于教养 “Too often we forget that discipline really means to teach, not to punish. A disciple is a student, at a recipient of behavioral consequences.” Dan Siegel, MD 我们常常忘记“教养”真正的意义是教育,而非惩罚。教养的对 象是学生,是行为后果的接受者。”——丹尼尔·西格尔博士 Physical discipline is never appropriate. 身体惩罚绝对不合适。

Parents Must Be Their Children’s Prefrontal Cortex 父母应做孩子的前额皮质 Upstairs Brain 上层大脑 Foster independence and personal efficacy 培养独立和个人功效 Help children learn to be good at doing things 帮助孩子学习更好地做事 Able to direct their energies 有能力指导他们的 精力

Parents Must Be Their Children’s Prefrontal Cortex 父母应做孩子的前额皮质 Upstairs Brain 上层大脑 Able to take the initiative 有能力带头行动 Realistic in appraising strengths and weaknesses 现实地评价优点和缺点 Realistic in appraising what it will take to accomplish a task 现实地评价完成任务所需要做的努力

Our Own Downstairs Moments as Parents 父母们的“下层大脑时刻” As parent we can become out of control that we say or do something we’d never let anyone else say or do to our child 作为父母，我们也会失控，说出（或做出）一些平时绝不允 许别人对我们孩子说的话（做的事）。 Little eyes are watching how you calm yourself down. Your actions set the example 孩子们看着你如何控制情绪，你的行为为孩子树立榜样。

Our Own Downstairs Moments as Parents 父母们的“下层大脑时刻” First do no harm, put your hands behind your back to avoid any kind of rough physical contact 首要注意：不能伤害孩子，把你的双手背在身后，以防做出 一些粗暴的身体接触 Close your mouth to avoid saying something you will regret 闭上嘴巴，以防说出一些可能令你后悔的话。

Our Own Downstairs Moments as Parents 父母们的“下层大脑时刻” Remove yourself from the situation and collect yourself 使自己脱离刚才的处境，重拾自己 Do jumping jacks or yoga stretches Take slow, deep breaths 做做“杰克跳”（一种运动）或是瑜伽，深呼吸 Finally REPAIR. Quickly reconnect with your child. This may involve your expressing forgiveness, but it may also require that you apologize and accept responsibility for your own actions 最终修复。迅速和孩子沟通。这或许包括表达谅解，可能需要你 道歉或是为你的行为承担责任

What is Your Parenting Style? 您的育儿风格是？ High Warmth 高度温情 Low Warmth 低度温情 High Control 高度控制 Authoritative 权威型 Authoritarian 独裁型 Low Control 低度控制 Permissive 宽容型 Neglecting 疏忽型

Authoritative Parenting 权威型家长 High on control and warmth 控制和温情均比较强烈 Tend to strict about what the rules are but also willing to discuss them 制定规则时：倾 向于严格，同时又愿意与孩子讨论 Reason with their children 与孩子们讲道理 Even alter the rules in response to the child’s expressed views 会因为孩子的意见而 修改规则

Tell Your Children: 告诉您的孩子： Lack of ability doesn’t matter 能力的欠缺没有关系 Talent has little or nothing to do with success 天赋和成功基本上毫无关系 Sticking to something MATTERS! 重要的是坚持！ Your BRAIN is a muscle, intelligence can be improved by exercising it 大脑是肌肉，锻炼大脑可以提升智力 Great performance is always and only the result of great effort 优秀的表现是努力付出的唯一结果，也是必然结果

Parenting Tips 育儿小帖士 Necessary to set limits 制定界限的必要性 Children need to know where they stand 孩子需要知道他们的立场 They need someone to be in charge of them; they are neurologically incapable of doing it themselves 他们需要别人来管理；从神经学角度来讲，他们并不能管理自己。 Parents need to be more “no nonsense” 父母需要更加“废话少说” This is not the same as “mean” or “authoritarian” 这与“刻薄”或是“独裁”不同

Parenting Tips 育儿小帖士 Children need to know where the limits are, so communicate where the limits are and help them learn that you mean it 孩子们需要知道界限在哪里，告诉他们并帮助他们理解你的意思。 You are teaching them what to expect from the world, eg when you hit people, they will get mad 您应教给他们，他们的行为会带来什么结果，例如：当你打人的 时候，对方会生气。

Parenting Tips 育儿小帖士 You are teaching your children what to expect from other people in the world 您应教给孩子期望从别人那里得到什么 Don’t lie to them about the consequences of their behavior 诚实地告诉孩子他们的行为会带来的结果 Do not tolerate hitting! Do not let them hit you! 不能容忍暴力！不要让孩子们打你！

THE SINGLE CHILD FAMILY 独生子女家庭 The single child has been studied as an early adult and found to be less trusting, less trustworthy, more risk-averse, less competitive and more pessimistic. 研究发现成年早期的独生子女缺乏信任，不值得信赖，不愿承担风险，竞争意 识较弱，更为悲观。 Strategies to minimize these effects will be discussed. 将会讨论最大限度地减少这些影响的策略。 These include dealing with grandparents 这包括处理与祖父母的问题 The importance of relationships in your child’s brain/mind development 人际关系对于您孩子的大脑/心智发育的重要性 Developing the functions of the prefrontal cortex 促进前额皮质的功能发展 The importance of PLAY! 玩耍的重要性！

ANTEDOTES FOR OVERSCHEDULING OUR CHILDREN 谈谈我们孩子每日繁忙的行程

The Right Balance to Avoid Over Scheduling Down Time 没有安排活动的时间 Time In 静想时间 Play Time 玩乐时间 Connecting Time 交流时间 Physical Time 身体锻炼时间 Sleep Time 睡眠时间 Focus Time 专心做某件事情的时间

Thank you!

In Summary 总结 Final Parenting Tips 最终育儿提示 Regularly get behind your children’s eyes, slow down! 慢下来，站在孩子的角度看问题 Always, always, always put the emotional connection with your child first. 最初，一定一定一定要与孩子保持情感联系 DO NOT take things personally. Respond, do not react. 不要武断地处理事情，三思而后行。 Set limits and be consistent, be authoritative parents. 给孩子制定界限，父母双方步调一致，做权威型家长 Play with your child!!! 和孩子一起玩！！！

Web site: www.chinadevpeds.com Thank You! 谢谢！ @alanmisi_MD

Happy Mother’s Day! 祝福天下母亲：节日快乐！

米思医生预约电话：020 8710 6000 和睦家广州诊所 United Family Guangzhou Clinic 地址：广州大道中301号人保大厦附楼首层（外商酒店北邻） 公交车：南方报社站 地铁：五号线五羊邨站C出口 新浪官方微博 @广州和睦家医疗