溝通層次 噓寒問暖 資訊發放 交流意見 推心置腹

分享經驗 要有情有理有方向，不脫現實，也坦露自己的言行。 當我分享個人經驗時，表達的層次越完整，對方越能夠層次分明的聽到經驗。意思是所包含的範疇及相關的內容越詳細，溝通便越清晰，誤解及猜測也越少。

用感官查看FACTS事實、行動 回憶過去的事實：發生了…… 就是他錯。就是我不好。 我見到他打我。我說了個謊言。 他說我不好。他說我錯。 2017/9/9

描述自己的心情 感受FEELINGS： 感受是…… 我很憤怒。我很害怕。我很懊惱。 我很痛苦。我很悲哀。我感到憂悶。 我感到被誤會。我感到被傷害。 2017/9/9

四個基本心情 喜 怒 哀 懼

反省自己內在的「想法」及「期望」 意見、想法OPINIONS, FINDINGS… 動機、意向、目的 就是他錯。我感到/覺得他錯了。 就是我不好。我感到/覺得我不好。 我感到被誤會。我感到/覺得被誤會了。 我感到被傷害。我感到/覺得被傷害了。 我感到/覺得他憎恨我。我感到/覺得他對我不好。 動機、意向、目的

溝通及團體 與弟兄的相同特質、又不相同特質又欣賞、不相同特質、要講心裡話

溝通模式 對別人表達的不同的回應，最少清楚所需要的及覺察自己的模式： 討好型：有你沒我 指責型：有我沒你【責備】 超理智型：沒我沒你重事理【建議、說理、分析】 打岔型：【冷漠】 內外一致型：【相遇】【非暴力】 同步同理（反射式「聽你是…」） 共鳴分享（我有同有異的相關經驗）】

溝通模式 要覺察到互動帶來的影響及發展 相同特質的互動：良性競爭 相異特質的互動：互補成長

Nonviolent Communication 非暴力溝通 為建設團體的溝通 Community Building Communication

昨天晚上有看電視電 影嗎？ ~沒有。 那有看球賽嗎？ ~也沒有。 到底有看任何電視嗎 ？ 那你看了什麼的？？

非暴力：和平 耶穌說過：… 方濟這樣做… Jesus says “Peace I give you, my peace I leave with you” 使我作你「和平」工具 回教徒 狼

使我作你「和平」工具 在有PP 的地方 讓我播種……QQ 仇恨/ 友愛 冒犯/ 寬恕； 分裂/ 團結； 疑慮/ 信心； 錯謬/ 真理； 錯謬/ 真理；  失望/ 希望； 憂傷/ 喜樂； 黑暗/ 光明；  神聖的導師！願我少 去求他人的RR ，只 求RR 他人； 諒解// 安慰// 諒解// 因為只有在SS 中，我 們有所TT。 施與/ 收穫；  寬恕/ 寬恕； 死亡/ 永恆！

和平：由平安開始 平安：身體… 平安：心靈… 平安：頭腦… Since this is not meant to be an intellectual exercise Nor an emotional catharsis Nor a physical training like yoga So…Let go ….Let go of all that are dear to you ….Let go of all that are not dear to you ….Let God fill the vacuum created by the emptiness the emptying has done.

I 接納 Acceptance

客棧 做人就像是一家客棧 每個早晨，都是一位 新來的客人。 喜悅、沮喪、卑鄙 一瞬的覺悟來臨 就像一個意外的訪客 做人就像是一家客棧 每個早晨，都是一位 新來的客人。 喜悅、沮喪、卑鄙 一瞬的覺悟來臨 就像一個意外的訪客 歡迎和招待每一位客 人！即使他們是一群 悲傷之徒，來掃蕩你 的客房，將傢俱一掃 而光，但你要款待每 一位賓客 他或許會為你打掃 並帶來新的喜悅 如果是陰暗的思想 、 羞恥和怨恨，你也 要在門口笑臉相迎， 邀請他們進來。 無論誰來，都要感激 因為每一位都是 由世外派來 指引你的嚮導 魯米Rumi This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor, welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house, empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight, the dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

Guest House This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, Who violently sweep your house Empty of its furniture, Still treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Meet them at the door laughing And invite them in Be grateful for whoever comes, Because each has been sent As a guide from beyond.

回應討論 對全詩、或某一句、或某一字 用情感、用理智、用心靈、用幽默作回應 Read as many times as you like If you think it proper, dwell on one line, one notion, one word You may express what touched you Yours may be an intellectual response, emotional reaction, spiritual reflection or just a frivolous intervention. You are free, but do share and enrich us.

討論 以小組形式 回想：過去的團體/培育職務的經驗 選擇一個經驗：是有接納或不受接納的元素 指出：其接納或不受接納的背後理由 Reflect on community experience Pick outone that had elements of acceptance or non acceptance State what are the reasons for acceptance / non-acceptance

「非暴力」溝通與靈修息息相關 會士：生活 培育 方濟：和平及非暴力的遺產 接納：對聖召的行動 Spirituality and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Marshall Rosenberg Spirituality is at the base of Nonviolent Communication A spiritual practice / a way of life. Even if people practice this as a mechanical technique, they start to experience things between themselves and other people they weren’t able to experience before. Nonviolent communication is aSPIRITUALITY OF RELATIONSHIP Franciscan style of communication? Heritage of peace and nonviolence We discussed unconditional acceptance We expect to come to the conclusion Nonviolent Communication is the only way of communication for a Friar Acceptance lies at the core of your vocation You have accepted a Franciscan way of life, OFM accepted you. YOU ACCEPT ALL OTHERS AS YOUR BROTHERS. THEY ACCEPT YOU AS THEIR BROTHER.

of your community vocation Think of it: Acceptance lies at the core of your community vocation You accepted a way of life. Your community accepted you. You accepted all others as your brothers. They accepted you as their brother.

由心施予．全心聯繫 Giving from the Heart and Intention to Connect II 由心施予．全心聯繫 Giving from the Heart and Intention to Connect

心靈語言 非暴力溝通：溝通的另類紀律、由心施予、心連心的連系、建立團體、同理心的運用 以往的溝通： 容易產生「暴力」（不同等級的嚴重性） 配合我們作為基督徒、會士、方濟會士的召叫﹗ Non-violent communication (NVC) is an alternate discipline in communication NVC is giving from the heart NVC is the language of the heart connecting to another It is a community-building language What is important is connecting hearts The language we grew up with is the wrong language for arriving at the end we desire. We need to learn language of empathy Language of the Heart Non-violent communication (NVC) is an alternate discipline in communication is giving from the heart is the language of the heart connecting to another a community-building language a language of empathy What is important is connecting hearts The language we grew up with is the wrong language for arriving at the end we desire. BUT we are dealing with life and as such we need to handle others with love

連繫起來與否看意向 我需要清晰自己溝通時的意向 我必須表達的意向，好讓別人明白 我必須盡我所能，使別人明白我的需要 【對方亦然】 彼此謀求明白對方的需要 暴力：沒有接納，需要得不到滿足 Intention is that which connects I need to beclear about my intention when I practice NVC within myself about my intention in communication. I mustexpress my intentions clearly so that the other/s understand them well. I need to do all things necessary to make others understand my needs. Both together strive to understand each other’sneed/s. When needs of both are met, we are happy, secure, fulfilled etc

只問耕耘，不問收穫 “Go for Connection, let go outcome” 為何要非暴力溝通？意向就是要連系 連系的嘗試是耕耘【手足情】 可能被拒絕、可能不成功：所以不問收穫【微末心】 Intention in NVC has to do with Connection Go with all your power for that connection You may be rejected, You may not succeed, Let go of the outcome. Try hard to connect with the other, no matter what the result is. Intention in NVC has to do with Connection Go with all your power for that connection Let go of the outcome. You may be rejected, You may not succeed, Try hard to connect with the other, no matter what the result is.

如何加強連系 以愛還愛 愛得多，付出得多 但只付出會很累 要連繫的意向要很強烈 用身體幫助自己 Love is love only when loved. 愛得多，付出得多 The more we love, the more we give 但只付出會很累 Just giving won’t do 要連繫的意向要很強烈 There must be a strong intention to give and enrich the other. 用身體幫助自己 The body can help. How toMake Connecting Strong Love is love only when loved. The more we love, the more we give Just giving won’t do There must be a strong intention to give and enrich the other. The body can help.

人生百態 你這個傻瓜！ 你說什麼？笨蛋？ 我沒說笨蛋。我說「 傻瓜。 噢…我還以為你說笨 蛋。 人與人之間就是那麼 麻煩…沒有真正的溝 通！

意向、目的、企圖 露茜對查理說「傻瓜」的意向、目的、企圖 露茜鼓勵查理好好讀書 露茜忠告查理小心世途險惡 露茜希望查理不悅 … Betty says to Andy : “You’re lazy” What could be Betty’s intention? Our guesses…. 1. Betty wants Andy to be active 2. Betty wants Andy to do something for her 3. Betty wants Andy to get over the habit of idleness What really takes place?

分析 在衝突發生時，人會容易猜度別人的想法 查理認為露茜： 「 我要教你做人」 「有這種朋友真倒楣」 「我不喜歡你」 為何這樣想： 過往的經驗：原來查理自小被父親指責… In conflict situations, people tend to read each other’s thoughts. Andyreads more thanher words: “You’re lazy” “I want to teach you to behave”, “I am regretting that I ever married a log of wood”, “What a miserable life I have, living with a good-for-nothing person like this man!” Andy might hear his mother accusing him as a child, because memory of accusations / judgments remain with us for generations.

溝通–暴力的出現阻礙意向的表達 培育導師【受培育者】的意向、目的、企圖是什麼？自己意識到嗎？ 溝通出現「暴力」嗎？ 暴力阻礙了意向的表達 The violence therein 分組討論： The Maestro takes a novice to his room. He says “What is this I hear. Where did you go this morning? You were absent from the study room. The brothers are talking so many things about you. Answer me!” What is the intention of the Maestro? Do you read the violence in the event? Does violence block the right intentions?

手足情 你講過以下的嗎？ 扭轉乾坤：從心重新開始 由自己做起： 沒有明白我、沒人愛我、都不把我放在眼內 試作心與心的聯繫 對自己暴力：理智與情感矛盾；情感影響身體 人、基督徒、會士、方濟會士、導師 What are the routine complaints in religious life, at workplaces? “No body appreciates me”, “No body loves me” “No body thinks I exist” Stop groaning. Have a strong intention to love, to communicate from the heart Try connect to the heart of the other first. "Love and then do what you will" - St. Augustine We are at times disjointed Conflicts abound in us Interests of Intellect collides with emotions, Emotions play havoc with our physical needs Our psychological turmoil can hamper spiritual growth. Spend a few minutes to explore the inner being. Find your inner peace or the contrary Try connecting.

Part III Empathy 同理心

方濟的例子

Empathy Empathy is a respectful understanding of what the other is experiencing. True Empathy requires listening with the whole being, said Chinese Philosopher Chuan-Tzu. True Empathy is hearing of the spirit of the other by the spirit of the listener, and is not limited to just one faculty of hearing or of mind alone.

Empathy Empathy comes when faculties are emptied and the whole being listens. Perhaps, sympathy doesn’t have to become so challenging or intense. Sympathy does possess a tenor of patronizing.

同理心Empathy 同理心：敬重地明白對方的經驗 同理心的實踐： 以心神聆聽對方的心神 暫時放下自己 不等於同情 Empathy is a respectful understanding of what the other is experiencing. True Empathy requires listening with the whole being, said Chinese Philosopher Chuan-Tzu. True Empathy is hearing of the spirit of the other by the spirit of the listener, and is not limited to just one faculty of hearing or of mind alone. Empathy comes when faculties are emptied and the whole being listens. Perhaps, sympathy doesn’t have to become so challenging or intense. Sympathy does possess a tenor of patronizing.

IV 如何非暴力地溝通： 四個元素

非暴力人士，死於暴力 和平君王、和平使者、和平之子 Jesus Christpreached Love, Forgiveness and Brotherhood. He left a dream of a Kingdom where God will be Father; and all others brothers and sisters. A Kingdom of Justice, Love, Peace…He was crucified. Abraham Lincoln stood for liberation of slaves and integrating them into the mainstream of the American Dream for the pursuit of happiness.He was shot dead. Mahatma Gandhi, Apostle of Peace and Non Violence. He preached a dream where Harijans and Brahmins, Hindus and Muslims will be brothers.He was shot dead. Martin Luther King Jr. preached a dream of a world without prejudice towards races. He was assassinated.

你明白了嗎？ 我明白了！但你不用 對我呼喝的。 也許你是對的。也許 …我真不應該對人呼 渴。不過，我覺得如 果要我這樣那麼輕聲 跟你談話… 你才不會聽呢！

你做的壓力實驗結果 有了嗎？ 做壓力實驗需要受控 的條件。 有沒有告訴過你是非 題的樣子嗎？ 輪到我開口了嗎？

語言暴力 What is your experience of verbal violence? 你的經驗？ 嘲弄、戲弄、羞辱 揭短 激怒 鄙視 咀咒 忽略、不理啋 批評、漫駡、責駡 誹謗 冤枉 歧視 拒絕？ 喝叱、命令 嚇唬、要脅 誤解、曲解、扭曲

非暴力溝通 四元素： 一、觀察到什麼具體行動，影響自身福利 二、因為觀察的東西，我感受到什麼 三、是什麼需要促使我有這樣感受 四、我要請求什麼具體行動 In order to mutually give from the heart, we focus the light of our consciousness on four areas: the Four components of NVC 1. We are OBSERVING concrete actions that are affecting our well-being 2. How we FEEL in relation to what we are observing 3. The NEEDS that are creating our feelings 4. The concrete actions we REQUEST in order to enrich our lives In order to mutually give from the heart, we focus on the four components of NVC 1. We areOBSERVING concrete actions that are affecting our well-being 2. How weFEEL in relation to what we are observing 3. TheNEEDS that are creating our feelings 4. The concrete actions weREQUEST in order to enrich our lives.

觀察 感官所得：所見所聞所嗅所嘗所觸摸 不下判斷 不加評語 不作編輯 不添油醋 共通平臺 Register what you see, hear, touch etc. Register without judgment Register without comment Register information without editing it Register without colouring it with prejudice Such plain observation will create a common ground between the parties concerned. Observation is the first of the 4 elements of information we need to attempt connection. Register what you see, hear, touch etc. Register without judgment Register without comment Registerinformation without editing it Register withoutcolouring it with prejudice Such plain observation will create a common ground between the parties concerned.

對錯之外Out Beyond 在對與錯的觀念之外，有一塊地方。我將在那裡與你相會。當靈魂躺在那片草地上，世界變得太豐富而無法言喻。觀念、語言、甚至「彼此」這個詞都變得毫無意義。 Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass. The world is too full to talk about ideas. Language even phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense. -Rumi Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense.–Rumi

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A LAZY MAN ! I’ve seen a man who never ran While I watched him, and I’ve seen A man who sometimes slept between Lunch and dinner, and who’d stay At home upon a rainy day, But he was not a lazy man, Before you call me crazy, Think, was he a lazy man or Did he just do things we label ‘lazy’?

I’VE NEVER SEEN A STUPID KID I have seen a kid who sometimes did Things I didn’t understand Or things in ways I hadn’t planned; I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen The same places where I had been, But he was not a stupid kid. Before you call him stupid, Think, was he a stupid kid or did he Just know different things than you did?

I’VE LOOKED AS HARD AS I CAN LOOK But never ever seen a cook; I saw a person who combined Ingredients on which we dined, A person who turned on the heat And watched the stove that cooked the meat – I saw those things but not a cook. Tell me, when you’re looking, Is it a cook you see or is it someone Doing things that we call cooking?

What some of us call lazy Some call tired or easy- going, That some of us call stupid Some just call a different knowing So I’ve come to the conclusion, It will save us all confusion If we don’t mix up what we can see With what is our opinion Because you may, I want to say also I know that’s only my opinion.

Please note: While the effects of negative labels such a “lazy” and “stupid” may be more obvious, even a positive or an apparently neutral label such as “cook” limits our perception of the totality of another person’s being.

壓抑生命的構通 Life-alienating communication 如果是： 阻礙慈悲 blocks Compassion 製造暴力 generates violence 挑撥離間 alienates person from person 抑制成長 prevents life from growing Life-alienating communication Communication is life-alienating when it blocks compassion generates violence alienates person from person prevents life from growing

判斷Moralistic Judgment 暗示：物件不合我的價值系統Implies someone is not able to fit into my value system 簡化：生活為對錯黑白是非Limits life to “right & wrong” “good & bad” 「懶惰」、「不應該」 Moralistic Judgment Implies someone is not able to fit into my value system Limits life to “right and wrong” “good and bad” Examples ofjudgment “She is lazy” “He is prejudiced” “It is an inappropriate action” Blame, diagnoses, insults, putdowns, criticism, comparisons and labels

不是不判斷 你們不要判斷人，免得你們受判斷， 因為你們用什麼來判斷，你們也要受什麼判斷。 Jesus says: “Judge not, so that you may not be judged (Matt 7:1)” “The measure you measure out will be the measure you will be measured with”. Sufi Poet Rumi once wrote: “Out beyond ideas of wrongness and right-doing, there is a field, I’ll meet you there” Psychology: There is a co-relation between judgment and violence: frequent use of judgmental and labeling words and incidents of violence. 不是不判斷

Observing without Evaluating I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do. And I can handle your interpretations. But please don’t mix the two. If you want to confuse any issue, I can tell you how to do it: Mix together what I do with how you react to it.

Observing without Evaluating Tell me that you are disappointed with the unfinished chores you see, But calling me “irresponsible” is no way to motivate me. And tell me that you’re feeling hurt, when I say “no” to your advances. But calling me frigid man won’t increase your future chances.

Observing without Evaluating Yes, I can handle your telling me What I did or didn’t do, And I can handle your interpretations But please don’t mix the two.

純觀察VS. 含判斷的觀察 Observation or evaluation? 我們說了是4PM開始。 現在4:30PM。 You were meant to start the class at 4:00 p.m. It is now 4:30 p.m. 我們說了是4PM開始。 現在4:30PM。你老是遲 到。 Our agreement was you would start the class at 4 p.m. It is already 4:30 p.m. You are always late 純觀察，有開放性 判斷

純觀察VS. 含判斷的觀察 Observation or evaluation? 我看到她在教堂裡， 坐得很直，眼睛閉起 來，雙手放在膝上。 “I see a woman sitting motionless. Her hands are folded, her eyes downcast” 我看到她在教堂裡默 想。 “I see a woman in meditation” 純觀察，有開放性 判斷

不清楚的溝通 不太負責任地描述 你太慷慨了。 當我看到你把你的午餐給了那個窮人，我覺得你很慷慨。 用評估性的字眼 老方拖延工作。 溝通類型 加判斷 不加判斷 不太負責任地描述 你太慷慨了。 當我看到你把你的午餐給了那個窮人，我覺得你很慷慨。 用評估性的字眼 老方拖延工作。 老方明天考試，今天開始溫書。 暗示自己是對的 小佳一定不會準時完工。 我聽到小佳說：「我不會準時完工」。 預測 你這樣抽煙會生癌症。 假如你常抽煙，有很大的可能性你的健康受損。 不夠具體 人人都對他埋怨。 老方及小濟都埋怨他忘記買菜。 偏見 小蘭醜得很。 小蘭的樣子不吸引我。

Communication often mixed up with evaluation and observation Observation with Evaluation mixed Observation minus Evaluation Using verb to be without taking responsibility for evaluation Use of verb with evaluative meaning Implicates communicator’s evaluation alone is right Confusion of prediction with certainty Failure to be specific about the referents. Oblique evaluations “You are too generous.” “When I see you give your lunch away to the poor man I think you are generous” “Tom procrastinates” “Tom studies only the night before his exams” “Shiela won’t get her work done in time.” “Shiela said that she won’t get her work done in time.” “If you habitually eat fast-food there is a possibility of your health being affected” “If you eat fast-food your health will be impaired.” “Everybody blames the boss.” “John and James blamed the boss for the failure of the contract.” “Jim is ugly.” “Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.”

純觀察或含判斷的觀察？ 昨天小方無緣無故的生我的氣。 今天小蘭邊看電視邊吃零食。 小濟開會時都沒有問我問題。 小佳是個好修女。 小方太用功了。 判斷 純觀察 純觀察 判斷 判斷

純觀察或含判斷的觀察？ 小妮婢氣很不好。 這一周，小望都沒有遲到。 雅雅不常刷牙。 小濟穿黃色不好看。 小麗說沒有人愛她。 判斷 純觀察

Observation or Evaluation? John was angry with me yesterday for no reason. Today, Rani bit her fingernail while watching television. Sunny didn’t ask my opinion during today’s meeting. My father is a good man. Jasmine works too much. Balan is ill-tempered. Alan was first in line everyday during this week. Rani’s son doesn’t often brush his teeth. My friend told me that I didn’t look good in yellow. My aunt complains when I talk with her.

Case study I was a regular visitor to the juvenile detention centre in Nagpur, a central India city. One day, I asked a 13 year old lad: “What is your name?” He said “Befkooff” (Idiot). “Befkooff” being a conversational slang, I was taken aback, imagining that the boy was insulting me. /…

Case study However, his friends said to me that “Befkooff” was his name. The boy told me that it was his mother who named him “Befkooff”. The fact is she had not named him so but that she only used to address him so. /…

Case study He grew up with this evaluation by his mother. He in fact proved his mother right. Her creative appellation became prophetic: he had murdered his step-father with a broken bottle and thus landed up in the Home for the Juvenile Delinquents.

對自己情感負責 Taking Responsibility for Feelings V 對自己情感負責 Taking Responsibility for Feelings

THE MASK The Mask Always a mask Held in the slim hand whitely Always she had a mask before her face Truly the wrist Holding it lightly Fitted the task Sometimes, however, Was there a shiver Fingertip quiver Every so slightly Holding the mask?

THE MASK For years and years and years I wondered But dared not ask And then — I blundered Looked behind the mask To find Nothing — She had no face She had become Merely a hand Holding a mask With grace — Author unknown

二、感受 我們要表達感受。 人的感受是複雜。 細微的分別。 但表達的方式不多。 詞彙不夠。 較少表達：亞洲、男 性 We need to express how we are feeling Psychologists say that human feelings are varied in intensity and nuances as notes in a symphony For many, feelings are as limited as notes in a bugle call. We have a wider variety of vocabulary to call others, but less number of words to describe our feelings. In families feelings are just not expressed. When expressed they are brushed aside, because they were “silly”, “unnecessary” “sissy” “show” “creating a scene” etc.! We need to express how we are feeling Psychologists say that human feelings are varied in intensity and nuances as notes in a symphony For many, feelings are as limited as notes in a bugle call. We have a wider variety of vocabulary to call others, but less number of words to describe our feelings. In families feelings are just not expressed. When expressed they are brushed aside, because they were “silly”, “unnecessary” “sissy” “show” “creating a scene” etc.!

為何不/少表達感受？ 預設 恐懼：軟弱 社會 Prejudiced “I don’t like to go in and talk to those idiots because it is like talking to a row of machines” says a corporate employee regarding meeting top brass. Fear of being labelled as weak “I would never cry in front of my students” In-built notion: Black student to a white teacher in the US, “You don’t like us, do you?” Conditioned (as in previous slide) “I feel that it is not right to disturb others” “I am a cadet of the Indian army, I am given to weeping like a girl!” “Now..now.. you’re a grow-up boy, don’t cry.” “When my mother died, my father was heart-broken. I wanted to hug him and console him. But I was unable to do so in public.” “I feel like I am married to a wall. He just sits there”. Prejudiced “I don’t like to go in and talk to those idiots because it is like talking to a row of machines” says a corporate employee regarding meeting top brass. Fear of being labelled as weak “I would never cry in front of my students” In-built notion: Black student to a white teacher in the US, “You don’t like us, do you?”

覺得≠感覺 我覺得…（你我他）The English verb “feel” followed by “that” ‘like’, ‘as if’ does not express feeling. 我覺得…他很笨。 我覺得…我很笨。 我覺得…最近很忙。 “I feel that you should know better” “I feel like a failure” “I feel as if I am living with a talking machine” The pronouns “I”, “you”, “he” “she” “it” “they” “I feel I am constantly on call” “I feel it is useless” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Reetu has been pretty responsible” “I feel my boss is being manipulative” The English verb “feel” followed by “that” ‘like’, ‘as if’ do not express feeling. “I feel that you should know better” “I feel like a failure” “I feel as if I am living with a talking machine” The pronouns “I”, “you”, “he” “she” “it” “they” “I feel I am constantly on call” “I feel it is useless” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Reetu has been pretty responsible” “I feel my boss is being manipulative”

覺得（認為）別人對我…感到自己… 在同會姊妹當中，我 覺得自己不重要。 覺得別人誤解我。 覺得別人對我不理啋 我，忽視我 我覺得他在攻擊我 我感覺到沮喪，我感 覺到悲哀。 感到厭煩，也很焦慮 。 感到痛楚 我感到不安全 I think others are evaluating me thus:“I feel unimportant for people with whom I work” My feeling“I feel discouraged” “I’m sad” I think others’ level of understanding “I feel misunderstood” My feeling may be “I am anxious” or “I’m annoyed” etc Interpretation of others’ action ‘I feel ignored” My feel will depend on situation “I’m relieved” (I wanted to left alone) “I’m hurt” (I wanted to be involved)

哪些是感受？哪些是想法而已？ 我感到你不再愛我了。 你的離開使我覺得悲哀。 你這樣說使我很害怕。 你都不理啋我…我感到被遺棄。 你來我就開心了。 我覺得你真使人噁心。 我感到有股力量要打你一頓。 我覺得被誤會。 我真沒用。 想法：對別人行為的評鑒 感受 想法、期望、行動：對別 人行為的評鑒 想法：對別人行為的評鑒 ，及對自己的評鑒 “I feel you don’t love me” “I’m sad you are leaving” “I feel scared when you say that” “When you don’t greet me, I feel neglected” “I’m happy, you can come” “You are disgusting” “I feel like hitting you” “I feel misunderstood” “I am worthless”

A TEST FOR FEELINGS “I feel you don’t love me” “I’m sad you are leaving” “I feel scared when you say that” “When you don’t greet me, I feel neglected” “I’m happy, you can come” “You are disgusting” “I feel like hitting you” “I feel misunderstood” “I am worthless”

把對別人行為的評鑒以為就是感受Sample words that are not feelings but assessment of others 對別人行為的評鑒：我「覺得」： 被忽略、被攻擊、被嘲笑、被放棄、被奉承、被拒絕、被威脅、被孤立、被刺激、被操控、不被歡迎、不受壓力… Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied, cheated, coerced, cornered, diminished, distrusted, interrupted, intimidated, let down, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, patronized, overworked, pressured, provoked, rejected, taken for granted, threatened, unsupported, unwanted, used etc. Not feelings but assessment of others Sample words: Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied, cheated, coerced, cornered, diminished, distrusted, interrupted, intimidated, let down, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, patronized, overworked, pressured, provoked, rejected, taken for granted, threatened, unsupported, unwanted, used etc. In the context of NVC words denoting specific feelings are required, rather than vague and general statements like “I feel good about it” and the like.

齊來增加「感受」的詞彙： 自己的需要得到滿足時，通常感到… 充滿活力、有動力、快樂、平靜、安寧、喜悅、幸福、激動、自信、開心、得意、興奮、喜不自勝、感恩、蠻舒服、愉快、特爽、喜洋洋、平安、熱情洋溢、高興、悠然自得、歡天喜地、喜出望外、甜蜜、輕鬆、神氣十足、興高彩烈、安慰、滿足、眉飛色舞、手舞足蹈、驚喜、自由 When my needs are met Affectionate, alert, alive, amazed, amused, animated, appreciative, ardent, aroused, astonished, blissful, breathless, calm, cheerful, comfortable, complacent composed, concerned, cool, curious, delighted, eager, ecstatic, elated, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, fascinated, free, glad, glorious, grateful, happy, hopeful, inspired, intense, interested, intrigued, involved, joyful, loving, moved, optimistic, peaceful, pleasant, proud, quiet, relaxed, relieved, secure, spellbound, tender, thankful, touched, upbeat, warm, wonderful etc. When my needs aren’t met Afraid, agitated, alarmed, aloof, angry, annoyed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, ashamed, beaten, bitter, bored, brokenhearted, cold, concerned, confused, cross, dejected, depressed, despairing, detached, disappointed, discouraged, disgusted, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, dull, edgy, embarrassed, exasperated, exhausted, fatigued, forlorn, frightened, frustrated, furious, guilty, helpless, hostile, hurt, impatient, irate, jealous, jittery etc.

齊來增加「感受」的詞彙： 自己的需要得不到滿足時，通常感到… 低落、苦悶、混亂、憤怒、鬱悶、生氣、失望、沮喪、煩燥、氣憤、忐忑不安、害怕、無精打彩、無助、焦急、憂傷、失落、傷心、迷茫、委屈、痛苦、憤恨、尷尬、灰心、自卑、孤獨、悲哀、空虛?、糾結、不安全、無聊、消極?、憂愁、緊張、不滿、絕望、驚慌、心碎

BUILDING A VOCABULARY OF FEELINGS In the context of NVC words denoting specific feelings are required, rather than vague and general statements like “I feel good about it” and the like. Likely to feel when my needs are met Affectionate, alert, alive, amazed, amused, animated, appreciative, ardent, aroused, astonished, blissful, breathless, calm, cheerful, comfortable, complacent composed, concerned, cool, curious, delighted, eager, ecstatic, elated, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, fascinated, free, glad, glorious, grateful, happy, hopeful, inspired, intense, interested, intrigued, involved, joyful, loving, moved, optimistic, peaceful, pleasant, proud, quiet, relaxed, relieved, secure, spellbound, tender, thankful, touched, upbeat, warm, wonderful etc. When my needs aren’t met Afraid, agitated, alarmed, aloof, angry, annoyed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, ashamed, beaten, bitter, bored, brokenhearted, cold, concerned, confused, cross, dejected, depressed, despairing, detached, disappointed, discouraged, disgusted, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, dull, edgy, embarrassed, exasperated, exhausted, fatigued, forlorn, frightened, frustrated, furious, guilty, helpless, hostile, hurt, impatient, irate, jealous, jittery etc.

對自己感受負責 明白及指出感受的根源 別人所做、所沒有做、所說、所沒有說…只是導引了感受，並非感受的根源或緣由 感受來自： 我們如何選擇接收別人所言所行的訊息 我們自己的需要在當時有沒有照顧或滿足 所以，要對自己的感受負責 Take Responsibility for Feelings Second component of NVC : Feeling entails acknowledgement of the root of our feelings. What others are, are not, may say, may not say, do, don’t do etc. may be a stimulus but not the cause of our feelings Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do. our particular needs met or unmet at that instance of time. We therefore must accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.

Take Responsibility for Feelings Entails acknowledgement of the root of our feelings. What others are, are not, may say, may not say, do, don’t do etc. may be stimulus, not the cause of our feelings Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do. Our feelings arise also from our particular needs met or unmet at that instance of time. We therefore must accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.

面對負面訊息時的四個選擇Options for Receiving Negative Messages 自責 別人：你是粗心大意！ 自己：那麼我下次多小心。 Blaming ourselves: Stimulus, “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “Oh, I should have been more sensitive” Blaming Ourselves: Stimulus, “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “Oh, I should have been more sensitive Fault the Speaker: Response: “Well, I have always cared for your needs;it’s you who do not care.”

面對負面訊息時的四個選擇Options for Receiving Negative Messages 找出對方的不是 別人：你是粗心大意！ 自己：我處處為你著想，是你才粗心大意！ Fault the Speaker: Stimulus, “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “Well, I have always cared for your needs, it’s you who do not care.”

面對負面訊息時的四個選擇Options for Receiving Negative Messages 意識到自己的感受及需要 別人：你是粗心大意！ 自己：我聽到你這樣說，我感到痛楚，因為我需要你的贊賞，我時時都嘗試滿足你的需要。 Sensing our Feelings and Needs: Stimulus, “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “When I hear you say that I am the most careless person you have ever met, I feel hurt because, I have need for your recognition of what I trying to do for meeting your needs” Sensing Our Feelings and Needs: Stimulus, “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “When I hear you say that I am the most careless person you have ever met,I feel hurt because, I have need for your recognition of what I trying to do for meeting your needs” Sensing Other’s Feelings and Needs: Stimulus “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “Are you feeling hurt or angry, because you have need for perfection in the work I do?”

面對負面訊息時的四個選擇Options for Receiving Negative Messages 意識到別人的感受及需要 別人：你是粗心大意！ 自己：我猜你感到痛苦或憤怒，因為你需要我在工作上完美？ Sensing Other’s Feelings and Needs: Stimulus “You are the most careless person I have ever met” Response: “Are you feeling hurt or angry, because you have need for perfection in the work I do?”

感受來自需要 Needs that Create Feelings VI 感受來自需要 Needs that Create Feelings

四、需要及感受 對自己的感受負責，意思是承認自己有需要。 需要得到滿足與否，是感受的來源。 我們有需要，別人也有。 Taking responsibility for our feelings means, acknowledging our needs. 需要得到滿足與否，是感受的來源。 Needs met or unmet leads to feelings 我們有需要，別人也有。 We have needs Taking responsibility for our feelings means, acknowledging our needs. Needs met or unmet leads to feelings We have needs So do others, especially we watch out for the needs of the other to whom we communicate. Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are alienated expressions of our needs. If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.

四、需要及感受 在溝通時，就要注意別人的需要。 作任何的判斷、批評、診斷、詮釋，會影響到對方的需要的表達。 So do others, especially we watch out for the needs of the other to whom we communicate. 作任何的判斷、批評、診斷、詮釋，會影響到對方的需要的表達。 Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are alienated expressions of our needs. 把需要講出來，增加需要得到滿足的機會。 If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met. Taking responsibility for our feelings means, acknowledging our needs. Needs met or unmet leads to feelings We have needs So do others, especially we watch out for the needs of the other to whom we communicate. Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are alienated expressions of our needs. If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.

沒有對自己的感受負責： 1. 埋怨別人、以為針對自己 「你不來跟我吃飯使我很失望。」 使我很失望埋怨 你的「不來」變成是針對自己 我的需要沒透露 把焦點放在自己的責任及需要： 「你沒有來跟我吃飯，我很失望，因為本來我想跟你談談我的心事。」 1. Blame the other, take things personally etc. Example: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening”. “You disappointed me” (Blame) “Me” I take your “not-coming” personally. My need whatsoever it was never, expressed. Shift the focus on your responsibility and your need and see the difference: “I was disappointed when you did not come over, because I wanted to talk over some matters that were bothering me”

1. Blame the other, take things personally etc. Example: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening”. “You disappointed me” (Blame) “Me” I take your “not-coming” personally. My need whatsoever it was never, expressed. Shift the focus on your responsibility and your need and see the difference: “I was disappointed when you did not come over, because I wanted to talk over some matters that were bothering me”

沒有對自己的感受負責： 2. 把想法變成感受卻又不負責 例：導師把郊遊取消把我氣死了。 對「導師把郊遊取消」埋怨。 他/它/她/（不是我）是問題的來源。 把焦點放在自己身上： 「當導師把郊遊取消，我很生氣。因為我認為這樣做是很不負責任的。」 能夠說「我認為」是認其他。但仍不足夠。 Not taking responsibility for creating a feeling for the way one thinks Example:“Their cancelling the seminar really irritated me!” “Cancelling Seminar” is blamed for the feeling. The problem lies in placing blame outside oneself Shift focus to the self and see the difference: “When they cancelled the seminar, I felt irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.” “I was thinking to myself” My habit of blaming others is acknowledged. But this is still insufficient in NVC.

沒有對自己的感受負責： 2. 把想法變成感受卻又不負責 把焦點放在自己身上的責任及需要 「當導師把郊遊取消，我很生氣。因為我渴望可以到郊外散心，我們兩個月都沒出去過了。」 The Person needs to identify his/her own needs, connect this/her feelings to his/her needs. The Person could very well have been saying: “When they cancelled the seminar, I felt irritated because I was hoping to test my ability to teach.”

2. Not taking responsibility for creating a feeling for the way one thinks Example: “Their cancelling the seminar really irritated me!” “Cancelling Seminar” is blamed for the feeling. The problem lies in placing blame outside oneself Shift focus to the self and see the difference: “When they cancelled the seminar, I felt irritated because I was thinking to myself that it was an awfully irresponsible thing to do.” “I was thinking to myself” My habit of blaming others is acknowledged. But this is still insufficient in NVC. The Person needs to identify his/her own needs, connect his/her feelings to his/her needs. The Person could very well have been saying: “When they cancelled the seminar, I felt irritated because I was hoping to test my ability to teach.”

沒有對自己的感受負責： 3. 用罪惡感 VS 從心給予 利用罪惡感把感受的責任推給別人 「當你考試不及格，我們作父母很傷心的。」 本來意向：關心孩子的學業 但這句話卻暗示了 孩子的行動是父母的快樂與否的根源。 傷心是不好 作父母應該快樂的 3. Guilt As Motivation Versus Giving From The Heart The mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. Sally tells Tommy her son: “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor marks at school.” Meaning: The child’s action/inaction of studying hard is the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. As it appears, it is a statement of concern, positive caring etc. The child should understand a whole series of results of his action: parents are hurt, that should hurt him, hurt is bad, the net result of parenting is happiness of the parents, the child is responsible for their happiness etc. The impact of statement in fact is quite contrary to expectation.

3. Guilt as motivation versus giving from the heart The mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute responsibility for one’s own feelings to others. Sally tells Tommy her son: “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor marks at school.” Meaning: The child’s action/inaction of studying hard is the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. As it appears, it is a statement of concern, positive caring etc. The child should understand a whole series of results of his action: parents are hurt, that should hurt him, hurt is bad, the net result of parenting is happiness of the parents, the child is responsible for their happiness etc. The impact of statement in fact is quite contrary to expectation.

沒有對自己的感受負責： 4. 慣常用語 句子不清晰或推卸感受的責任 「弟兄們不洗好杯子真氣死我」 誰氣誰？「弟兄們」「不洗好杯子」「髒杯子」？ 「我很氣因為弟兄們不洗好杯子」 . Common Speech Patterns Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it”, “that” e.g. “that makes my monkey go up” “it really makes me sad when educated people like you make such silly mistakes.” Statements that mention only the actions of others. “When you don’t call me on our wedding anniversary, I feel hurt.” “Mummy is feeling like crying, when Sunny doesn’t eat his food.” “I feel” expressions: I feel sad because… We feel dejected because….

4. Common Speech Patterns Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it”, “that” e.g. “that makes my monkey go up” “it really makes me sad when educated people like you make such silly mistakes.” Statements that mention only the actions of others. “When you don’t call me on our wedding anniversary, I feel hurt.” “Mummy is feeling like crying, when Sunny doesn’t eat his food.” “I feel” expressions: I feel sad because… We feel dejected because….

5. 提高自己對感受的負責：把自己的需要與感受連接 當我見到你把杯子洗完後，還是留下茶漬，我很難過。因為我期待初學生懂得對家務盡責。 4A. Deepening awareness of our Responsibility for our feelings by connecting to our needs “When I see mistakes like the one I noticed on this document I feel sad because I have a need to see the image of our institution is enhanced by a professional look.” “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow strong and healthy.” “I feel angry that Sheila broke her promise and didn’t come to replace me, because I was hoping to join my brother for a long weekend outing to Kodaikanal”

5 Deepening awareness of our Responsibility for our feelings by connecting to our needs “When I see mistakes like the one I noticed on this document I feel sad because I have a need to see the image of our institution is enhanced by a professional look.” “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow strong and healthy.” “I feel angry that Sheila broke her promise and didn’t come to replace me, because I was hoping to join my brother for a long weekend outing to Kodaikanal.”

不同的人性需要 SOME OF THE BASIC HUMAN NEEDS 當焦點放在需要，而不是找對方的錯，需要被的機會便提高了。 From the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly enhanced A Variety of Human Needs From the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly enhanced TO CHOOSE ONE’S DREAMS, GOALS VALUES TO CHOOSE ONE’S PLANS TO FULFILL THE ABOVE TO CELEBRATE THE CREATION OF LIFE AND DREAMS FULFILLED TO CELEBRATE LOSSES, MOURNING AUTHENTICITY, CREATIVITY, MEANING, SELFWORTH ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, CLOSENESS, COMMUNITY, CONSIDERATION, CONTRIBUTION TO THE ENRICHMENT OF LIFE, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, EMPATHY, HONESTY, LOVE, REASSURANCE, RESPECT, SUPPORT, TRUST, UNDERSTANDING, WARMTH, FUN, LAUGHTER, BEAUTY, HARMONY, INSPIRATION, INSPIRATION, ORDER, PEACE AIR, FOOD, MOVEMENT, EXERCISE, REST, SHELTER, TOUCH, WATER,

不同的人性需要 SOME OF THE BASIC HUMAN NEEDS 選擇自己的夢想、目標、價值 To choose one’s dreams, goals values 選擇自己的計畫 To choose one’s plans to fulfill the above 慶祝生命、夢想的滿足 To celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled 表示失落、真實、創意、意義、接納、欣賞、親密、團體、考慮、安全、愛情、尊重、支持、信任、樂趣、美、和諧、休息… To celebrate losses, mourning, authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth, acceptance, appreciation A Variety of Human Needs From the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly enhanced TO CHOOSE ONE’S DREAMS, GOALS VALUES TO CHOOSE ONE’S PLANS TO FULFILL THE ABOVE TO CELEBRATE THE CREATION OF LIFE AND DREAMS FULFILLED TO CELEBRATE LOSSES, MOURNING AUTHENTICITY, CREATIVITY, MEANING, SELFWORTH ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, CLOSENESS, COMMUNITY, CONSIDERATION, CONTRIBUTION TO THE ENRICHMENT OF LIFE, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, EMPATHY, HONESTY, LOVE, REASSURANCE, RESPECT, SUPPORT, TRUST, UNDERSTANDING, WARMTH, FUN, LAUGHTER, BEAUTY, HARMONY, INSPIRATION, INSPIRATION, ORDER, PEACE AIR, FOOD, MOVEMENT, EXERCISE, REST, SHELTER, TOUCH, WATER,

Etc Closeness, community, consideration, contribution to the enrichment of life, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth, fun, laughter, Beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace Air, food, movement, exercise, rest, shelter, touch, water

“To be or not to be, that’s the question”. Socially women’s highest duty is to take care of others, at the cost of her own needs. They have learned to ignore their needs. They speak as if they have no right to needs. They speak as if their needs are unimportant.

The result of denying one’s needs Woman doesn’t just say “I had a busy day. I need some time to myself, because I am tired”.

The result of denying one’s needs Woman says “You know, I haven’t had a moment to myself all day, I ironed the shirts, did the whole week’s laundry, took the children to school and back, I cooked the three meals, entertained guests, listened to the complaints of the mother-in-law over the telephone” Her litany, instead of compassion, elicits resistance.

如果自己不承認自己的需要，別人也不會尊重。 否認自己的需要的後果

解脫的三個階段 Three States of Liberation 情緒奴隸：相信自己要為別人的感受負責任，要使別人快樂，不想任何人不快樂。 Emotional Slavery: We believe ourselves responsible for other’s feelings. We must keep others constantly happy. If they appear unhappy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. “I don’t want to disappoint anybody.” ”.

解脫的三個階段 Three States of Liberation 憤世嫉俗：明白到作情緒奴隸的代價，覺得因而失落、憤怒。「這是你的問題而已」 Obnoxious Stage: We hate for being responsible: We become aware of the high cost of the stage one. At this stage we become angry how much we have missed out in life “That’s your problem. I am responsible if you are sad, mad or glad. Go to….” ”.

解脫的三個階段 Three States of Liberation 情緒解放：為自己的意向及行動負責。以慈悲去回應別人的需要，而不是罪惡感、恐懼、羞恥。不單只求滿足自己的需要，也滋潤別人。 Emotional Liberation: We take responsibility for our intentions and actions. We respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of guilt, fear or shame. Our actions not merely fulfill ourselves but nourishes others. Emotional Liberation means stating clearly what we need in a way that communicates that others’ needs also to be met. ”.

說話者有沒有為自己感受負責任？ 你不收拾床鋪，使我 生氣。 你這樣說，我真氣， 因為我需要別人的尊 重。我聽到你的話是 一種侮辱。 你不停地看電視，我 真拿你沒辦法。 你不繼續初學，我很 悲哀，我期盼與你共 肩福傳。 沒有 有

說話者有沒有為自己感受負責任？ 他們都說小事都會傷 害我。 你拿到奬項我很快樂 。 當你提高嗓子講話， 我很害怕。 你給我坐便車，我好 感激，因為我想早一 點回家。 你失約不給我幫助， 我很沮喪。 沒有 有

Test whether the speaker takes full responsibility for his/her feelings: “You irritate me when you leave your room untidy” “I feel angry when you say that, because I am wanting respect and I hear your words as an insult” “I feel frustrated when you keep reading your newspaper” “I’m sad that you won’t be coming to teach again, because I was hoping we could build a fruitful partnership in our career”

Test whether the speaker takes full responsibility for his/her feelings: “I feel disappointed because you broke your promise to get me help” “Little things people say, often hurts me.” “I feel happy that you received that award” “I feel scared when you raise your voice so.” “I am grateful you offered me a ride, because I was wanting to reach home early”

作出請求，使人及己生命更豐盛。 We make Requests to Enrich Life ours - others' VII 作出請求，使人及己生命更豐盛。 We make Requests to Enrich Life ours - others'

作出請求，使生命更豐盛。 We Request in order to enrich life 請求是在沒有批評、分析、埋怨、診斷別人的純觀察之後，在接觸自己的感受（及負其責任）之後，及在連接感受與需要及承認有需要之後。 What we like to request of the other/s In order to enrich our life Request happens AFTER we observe (without criticizing , judging, analyzing, blaming or diagnosing others) And AFTER getting in touch with our feelings and taking responsibility for them And AFTER connecting our feelings to our needs and acknowledging that we have needs.

如何作出請求？ HOW DO WE MAKE A REQUEST? 用正面的語言 Using Positive Language while requesting. 清楚表達所需要：不作假設、不含糊，沒有矛盾 Revealing clearly what we want: Without internal confusion, Without being “good” and thus subjecting ourselves to depression. Making Request Consciously; don’t presume

如何作出請求？ HOW DO WE MAKE A REQUEST? 連接需要及感受，以免變成要求。 Accompanied by feelings and needs thus not appearing to be demanding. 不加罪惡感。 Do not take the listener on a guilt trip while making your request 記得為要使生命豐盛。 Request is always meant to enrich your life.

1. 用正面的語言POSITIVE LANGUAGE 不必說你沒有請求的東西。 具體說請求的東西。 反面（沒有請求）的東西惹起混亂及抗拒。 師：「別花時間看電視。」生：花時間上網 生：「別把我們當小孩．」 師：「我要你好好做初學生」 “Do not kill” is not a commandment of love nor of compassion “Do not commit adultery” is not a lesson is faithfulness and spousal love and bonding nor commitment. “Do not steal” is at best something you and I should not do right now and perhaps not a universal commandment guiding us into a life of honesty and integrity. A student delegation goes to meet the principal: its request: “Please don’t treat us like little children.” The response of the Principal “Get out. You don’t come to my office to teach me what to do”. They had not asked him what to do, but asked him what not to do. Avoid vague, abstract or ambiguous phrases, but suggest concrete action that other can undertake.

1. 用正面的語言POSITIVE LANGUAGE 妻：「我要你讓我做自己」 夫：「沒有嘛？」 妻：「沒有！其實我要你給我自由去成長，去做自己。」 妻：「實在我想你對我說，我想看到你微笑，然後說我做任何都可以的。我想你欣賞我。」 A woman to husband, “I want you to let me be me” The husband, “Of course, I do”. The woman, “No, you don’t” The woman corrected herself: “Tom, I want you to give me the freedom to grow and be myself”. The woman struggled to make herself clear: “Ok, it is a bit awkward, but if I were to be precise, what I want for you is to smile and say that anything I do is okay. I mean I want you to appreciate me.” A woman to husband, “I want you to let me be me”The husband, “Of course, I do”. The woman, “No, you don’t” The woman corrected herself: “Tom, I want you to give me the freedom to grow and be myself”. The woman struggled to make herself clear: “Ok, it is a bit awkward, but if I were to be precise, what I want for you is to smile and say that anything I do is okay. I mean I want you to appreciate me.”

POSITIVE LANGUAGE Wrong to say what you are not requesting. Right when you specify what you are requesting. Negative request confuses Negative request prompts resistance Avoid vague, abstract or ambiguous phrases, but suggest concrete action that other can undertake.

POSITIVE LANGUAGE Woman to husband “Please don’t spend so much time at work.” He obeyed. He joined a men’s only club. She had actually wanted him to spend time with her and children at home! “Do not kill” is not a commandment of love nor of compassion “Do not commit adultery” is not a lesson is faithfulness and spousal love and bonding nor commitment. “Do not steal” is at best something you and I should not do right now and perhaps not a universal commandment guiding us into a life of honesty and integrity. A student delegation goes to meet the principal: its request: “Please don’t treat us like little children.” The response of the Principal “Get out. You don’t come to my office to teach me what to do”. They had not asked him what to do, but asked him what not to do.

2. 清楚表達所需要 Make Your Request Without Confusion 不作假設、不含糊，沒有矛盾 「我要的是孩子負點責任而已。沒有有什麼不妥。」 「我希望他聽話」 負責任或服從？ A Father and his 15 year old son comes for counselling. The Father says: “All I ask of my son is to show some responsibility. Is it asking too much!?” The Father stumbled and fumbled and said: “When I say I want some responsibility, I mean I want him to do what I ask of him” The counsellor points out, what he is requesting of his son is obedience and not responsibility.

「做好」的結果是抑鬱 自小：做個好孩子 真正需要被忽略 卻引來自小的抑鬱 個案(1)“我需要愛” 個案(2)“我想放假，想做自己喜歡事情。 個案(3)“我想爸媽以我為榮。” Psychologists often confront statements like: “Well, I don’t know what I want” Marshall says: “My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’ve never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we are going to be one of those good people better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good”. But if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you. Client (1) “I just want someone to love me” Client (2) “I want to take a vacation and feel free to do nothing” Client (3) “I want my Father to say: I am proud of you, just like my friend’s father is reported to have said to him.”

Reward of goodness is depression We get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’ve never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we are going to be one of those good people better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good”. But if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.

Reward of Goodness is Depression Client (1) “I just want someone to love me” Client (2) “I want to take a vacation and feel free to do nothing” Client (3) “I want my father to say: I am proud of you, just like my friend’s father is reported to have said to him.”

3. 不作假設Do not Presume your Request is understood 有些時候，請求是自明的。 Some requests are understood 師：「我渴了」 生：「老師給你一杯水。」 有些時候，是假設了前提？ Some requests are not. 妻：「你忘了買火腿」 夫：「要買火腿嗎？」 Make a request on behalf of the wife:

4. 是請求，不是要求 REQUEST NOT DEMAND 要求加上感受及需要才變成請求。 「你為什麼不請我幫忙你呢？」 You may state something with a hidden request, you presume the other understands. The reverse too can happen, you may request but may sound it to be a demand because your request was unaccompanied by feeling and need. This is so especially when the request is in the form of a question. “Why don’t you get a haircut” An youngster confronts such request with violence, because he thinks it is parent’s way of demanding, accusing etc. The parent could request adding feeling and need thus: “I am worried your hair might come the way of your vision. I want you to be safe, say, while riding a bike. Please go and have a haircut.” This is so especially when the request is in the form of a question. “Why don’t you get a haircut” An youngster confronts such request with violence, because he thinks it is parent’s way of demanding, accusing etc. The parent could request adding feeling and need thus: “I am worried your hair might come the way of your vision. I want you to be safe, say, while riding a bike. Please go and have a haircut.”

誠意邀請反省作為回饋 有時候我們給的資訊及所接收的資訊有差距。 「你明白了嗎？」「你明白到什麼？」 小心可能有抗拒：「你以為我聾的嗎？」 耐心的解釋： 「我想你告訴我，對我剛才所說的你的感受如何？」（及理由） 具體：「請告訴我：你估計這個建議會否成功？若不會，你猜是什麼理由會失敗？」 太抽象：「你覺得如何？」 行動：「我想你告訴我，你願意在這一方面配合嗎？」 REFLECTION : A FORM OF FEED BACK The message we sent is not always the message received. Making sure that the message is received is essential in the matter of request too. “Did you get the message?” or “Is that clear?” is a valid form of communication. And necessary in NVC whenever there is a possibility of misinterpreting. We need more than “Yes, I understood you.” as an answer.

REFLECTION : A FORM OF FEED BACK The message we sent is not always the message received. Making sure that the message is received is essential in the matter of request too. “Did you get the message?” or “Is that clear?” is a valid form of communication. And necessary in NVC whenever there is a possibility of misinterpreting. We need more than “Yes, I understood you.” as an answer.

REFLECTION : A FORM OF FEED BACK The class teacher stops the young X class student rushing by and tells him, “Suresh, I checked the copies this evening. I am disappointed that your home work was not among them. You need to stop by staff room after PT class.” To the rushing Suresh the teacher asks for a reflection: “Did you understand.” “Yes, I did.” said Suresh. The teacher wasn’t sure. She asks again. “Please tell me what you heard.”. “You want me to miss games and complete my assignment”. An assertion like: “No, that’s not what I said”. “You never listen carefully” etc will be against NVC. Let us suppose you are the teacher: State what you would say next?

Requesting Honesty One of the reactions to reflection could be: “What do you think, I am deaf or something?” This reaction is a distinct possibility and therefore, it is necessary depending upon the person to explain why reflection is asked for. Sometimes we’d like to know the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and the reasons for those feelings. We might request this by asking: “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling so you do”

Requesting Honesty Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not what you believe would prevent its success” instead of an abrupt “I would like you to tell me what you think of what I just now said.

Requesting Honesty Sometimes we would like to know whether the person is willing to take a certain action we had recommended. Such a request may sound like this: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting”

Requesting Honesty One of the reactions to reflection could be: “What do you think, I am deaf or something?” This reaction is a distinct possibility and therefore, it is necessary depending upon the person to explain why reflection is asked for. Sometimes we’d like to know the feelings that are stimulated by what we said, and the reasons for those feelings. We might request this by asking: “I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling so you do”

Requesting Honesty Sometimes we’d like to know something about our listener’s thoughts in response to what they just heard us say. At these times, it’s important to specify which thoughts we’d like them to share. For example, we might say, “I’d like you to tell me if you predict that my proposal would be successful, and if not what you believe would prevent its success” instead of an abrupt “I would like you to tell me what you think of what I just now said.

Requesting Honesty Sometimes we would like to know whether the person is willing to take a certain action we had recommended. Such a request may sound like this: “I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to postpone our meeting”

測試：這些「請求」清晰嗎？ 我想你明白我。 我想你告訴我，你欣賞 我的一件事。 我願意你對自己更有信 心。 我想你停止喝酒。 我想你老實對我說，有 關昨天開會的事情。 我想你開車在時速限制 之下。 我想更清楚認識你。 我想你尊重我的隱私 我想你做飯更頻密。 不清晰 清晰

SONG FROM GOPAL If I clearly understand You intend no demand, I’ll usually respond when you call. But if you come across Like a high and mighty boss, You’ll feel like you ran into a wall And when you remind me So piously About all those things you’ve done for me, You’d better get ready: Here comes another bout! You’d better get ready: Here comes another bout! You can spit Moan, groan, and throw a fit I still won’t take the garbage out. Now even if you should change your style It’s going to take me a little while Before I can forgive and forget Because it seems to me that you Didn’t see me as human too Until all your standards were met.

MAKING REQUESTS Say which of these are clear expression of requests and why. “I want you to understand me.” “I’d like you to tell me one thing that I did that you appreciate.” “I’d like you to feel more confidence in yourself.” “I want you to stop drinking.”

MAKING REQUESTS “I’d like you to be honest with me about yesterday’s meeting.” “I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.” “I’d like to get to know you better.” “I would like you to show respect for my privacy.” “I’d like you to prepare supper more often.”