On the Translation of In Tune of Tian Jing Sha: Autumn Thoughts

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1 On the Translation of In Tune of Tian Jing Sha: Autumn Thoughts
◆Image ◆Poetic Beauty 王月晖

2 Over old trees wreathed with rotten vines fly crows;
天净沙·秋思 （马致远） 枯藤老树昏鸦(ya)， 小桥流水人家(jia)， 古道西风瘦马(ma)， 夕阳西下(xia)， 断肠人在天涯(ya)。 Version1 Tune: Sunny Sand Autumn Thoughts Over old trees wreathed with rotten vines fly crows; Under a small bridge besides a cot a stream flows; On ancient road in western breeze a lean horse goes, Westwards declines the setting sun. Far, far from home is the heart-broken one. (许渊冲译) 2

3 To the Tune of Tianjingsha Withered vines, old trees, crows at dusk,
天净沙·秋思 （马致远） 枯藤老树昏鸦(ya)， 小桥流水人家(jia)， 古道西风瘦马(ma)， 夕阳西下(xia)， 断肠人在天涯(ya)。 Version2 Autumn Thoughts To the Tune of Tianjingsha Withered vines, old trees, crows at dusk, a small bridge over the flowing water, a few houses, an ancient path, the west wind, a lean horse, and sun setting… A heart-broken traveler at the end of the world. (裘小龙译)

4 2 Version3: To the Tune of Sky-Clear Sand: Autumn Thoughts
Withered vine, old tree, crows. A small bridge, running water houses. Ancient road, west wind, lean horse, sun sinking in the west- and a man, crushed, at the sky’s edge (translated by Tr.Arthur Sze) 2

5 Image 枯藤老树昏鸦， 小桥流水人家， 古道西风瘦马， 夕阳西下， 断肠人在天涯。 2 Version1（许渊冲）: prepositional and verbal words to connect the images Version 2&3: directly translate images with the fewest rhetoric words, it is a literal way of image-transference, the noun words stand separately and naturally connect themselves

6 Poetic Beauty ◆Visual Beauty（视觉美） The combination of Chinese characters presents a clear look. The regular shape of the first three lines of the original work displays a perfect balanced structure. 枯藤老树昏鸦 小桥流水人家 古道西风瘦马 It is quite hard for the translated English version to reach such a good appearance in a similar form because English words are of different length. However, version3 that is translated by Tr.Arthur Sze produce a better visual effect than other two versions. 2

7 Poetic Beauty (Beauty in Sound)
◆ Musical Beauty（音乐美） (Beauty in Sound) In The Tune of Tian Jing Sha: Autumn Thoughts the poetic lines are rhymed regularly. 枯藤老树昏鸦(ya)， 小桥流水人家(jia)， 古道西风瘦马(ma)， 夕阳西下(xia)， 断肠人在天涯(ya)。 Version1: Over old trees wreathed with rotten vines fly crows; [әu] Under a small bridge besides a cot a stream flows; [әu] On ancient road in western breeze a lean horse goes [әu]

8 Different Ideas of the Translation on
《天净沙·秋思》 赵隽

9 天净沙·秋思 枯藤老树昏鸦， 小桥流水人家， 古道西风瘦马， 夕阳西下， 断肠人在天涯。
马致远 枯藤老树昏鸦， 小桥流水人家，　 古道西风瘦马， 夕阳西下， 断肠人在天涯。 This poem is famous for its vivid images and rhythm. Twelve images are arranged and linked without verbs, prepositions, conjunctions or numeral determiners, which arouse the imagination of the readers. Through the group of images, the poem depicts the bleak scenery in the dusk of an autumn day and expresses the emotion of depression of the poet. Besides the forth line, each line is consisted of six characters. And the first three lines are formed by three words, each with two characters. The form is quite neat. The whole poetry is written with the perfect end rhyme /a/，which produces a pronounced impression to the readership.

10 Xu Yuanchong puts forward that in poetry translation, the beauty in sense, sound and form should be transferred as much as possible, among which the beauty in sense is the most important and beauty in form is of the least importance. The versions respectively translated by Cytril Birch and Wen Xianliang particularly show Xu’s idea.

11 天净沙·秋思 Autumn Thoughts
马致远 Cytril Birch 枯藤老树昏鸦， Dry vine, old tree, crows at dusk, 小桥流水人家，　 Low bridge, stream running, cottages, 古道西风瘦马， Ancient road, west wind, lean nag, 夕阳西下， The sun westering, 断肠人在天涯。 And one with breaking heart at the sky’s edge. Beauty in sense: Birch juxtaposes the images with only one conjunction “and” in the last line. Unlike the typical English poem, this version ellipses the verbs and prepositions to imitate the original pattern, which conforms to the “directness” principle of Imagism. He translated “枯” into “dry”, “昏” into “at dusk”, “小” into “low”, “人家” into “cottages” and so on. The oriental images and meanings deeply impress the western readers and produce an exotic feeling to them. Beauty in form: different from the original poem, the lines in this version are of various length. The effect of beauty in form hasn’t been achieved. Beauty in sound: the rhyme and rhythm in Birch’s translation are not preserved.

12 Autumn Wen XIanliang Crows hovering over rugged old trees wreathed with rotten vine -- the day is about done. Yonder is a tiny bridge over a sparkling stream, and on the far bank, a pretty little village. But the traveler has to go on down this ancient road, the west wind moaning, his bony horse groaning, trudging towards the sinking sun, farther and farther away from home. 汉诗英译要保持本色,首先要辨明什么是本色。这本色,一不在于词藻,二不在于典故,三不在于形式,而是在于意象以及加强其艺术效果的节奏。只要能再现原作的意象,不一定模仿其章法字法。 翁显良 Beauty in sense: verbs and prepositional phrases are employed to connect the images. Thus the depiction becomes concrete and the relation between the images is clear. Verbal and onomatopoeia words portray a vivid picture before the readers. Beauty in form: Wen translated the poem into a prose, which fails to keep the beauty in form of the original in the expense to keep the images. Beauty in sound: The end rhyme is missing in this version. Some phases are in alliteration, e.g. “wreathed with”， “sparkling stream”， “west wind” and “sinking sun”.

13 Thank you!